'Check infertility stats.' Wife's response to SIL's constant 'men leave sick wives' comments divides family. AITA?
"AITA? My SIL kept bringing up the statistics of men leaving their sick wives and this is how I responded."
I have been struggling with a medical condition for over 2 months. My husband is my primary caregiver. He wakes up at 5 a.m, cleans up, prepares breakfast, then lunch for later, then he goes to work, then he gets off work and immediately comes home, cooks dinner, gets more stuff done around the house and repeat. He does most of the work around and outside the house plus he is the breadwinner.
My SIL (Brother's wife) kept talking about how men leave their wives when they get sick. She'd comment things like "have you noticed any changes in his behavior?" Or "when was the last time you searched his phone", basically implying that my husband is one of those men even though she knows and she saw how much effort he makes to help out and support me.
She'd even bring up statistics. She did it once in front of my husband to which he responded with silence but she kept staring at him as if she was waiting for him to "react". I told her that this made me and my husband uncomfortable and that she needed to stop.
Days ago, my husband was working late and couldn't prepare dinner (I can't cook for medical reasons). My brother and SIL was visiting so I ordered take out. Sil kept making passive comments implying that my husband was "probably" starting to get tired of taking care of me.
I couldn't take it anymore, especially after she brought up the statistics again. I snapped and told her that since she was at it then she should check the statistics of men who leave their wives for not being able to get pregnant.
She went pale and my brother blew up at me asking what was wrong with me. She began crying then went outside. My brother started a huge argument saying I was a monster for saying such a terrible thing to someone who cannot have children.
He even had my husband leave work and come home. I couldn't argue much because I felt nauseous. They left eventually and got the rest of the family involved. My brother, SIL and her mother are wanting an apology.
My mom and my husband said I shouldn't have escalated the situation. I understand that infertility is hard on her but I feel like she was being deliberately hurtful to me. So now I want to know if I'm at fault here?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Forget that. She absolutely deserved it. You didn’t escalate the situation, you matched it. Maybe next time she will think twice about spouting her ignorant comments. NTA.
Ask your brother what his wife was expecting from you? Just to put up with the badgering? Better yet WHY was she saying that? You asked her to stop. She didn’t. You ended it.
Ask your brother where was his outrage at all of his wife's comments? Infertile people can at least adopt, foster, etc. Sick people can't miraculously become healthy again at the drop of a hat. Your SIL just earned her stupid prize for playing a stupid game.
NTA. She kept poking at your pain and got shocked when you poked back. If you don’t want smoke, don’t light the fire.
INFO: WHY is your SIL at your home so frequently? Not to help obviously, as they were there and you ordered takeout. Flat out tell them to stay home as she seemingly only wants to get a rise out of you.
Anonymousred1958 (OP)
She and my brother live in the same city. My brother is the only one in my family who lives nearby. The rest of them live hours away, he and his wife visit me regularly but sil more often. I have to say that apart from this conflict, sil and I get along.
Ok so now's the time to message her and apologize for hurting her, but that hurt she feels? That is what YOU feel every time she talks to you like that. Plus she hurts your husband as well.
She probably thinks she's looking out for you but she's clumsy and projecting quite badly from her own situation. You really touched a nerve and actually... that's a good thing. BTW I hope you're on the path to recovery. Your husband sounds like a real gem.
She deserved it. Tell mom:
"Yeah...I was deliberately hurtful to her based on her physical condition. Just like she has been deliberately hurtful to me based on my physical condition.
The real question is: why are you ok with her doing that to me all these times and only worry about it when I did it to her once? Why did you jump to her aid the ONE time I did it while you never once jumped to my aid all those times she did it to me? Why didn't my feeling ever cross you mind?"
NTA. Well, a person can only take so much! She has been goading you for months, asking if you have checked your husband’s phone, etc. She has really badgered you beyond belief. I can’t blame you, even a little bit, for striking back.
Do all these other people who are chiming in with their opinions know what your SIL has been saying to you? If they don’t, maybe it is time that they do. Your SIL is a busybody. She has been trying hard to upset you and your marriage. I think she deserved your counter strike.
So you are terrible for bringing up her medical issues but it’s okay for her to do it? It’s the exact same thing.
Wow, Holy cow. First off, NTA, she was repeatedly crossing several boundaries. I literally verbally went, "Woah!", reading this. While blowing up at her probably wasn't the nicest thing in the world, you can only poke a bear so many times before it snaps. I don't blame you in the slightest for shouting at her like you did, especially given how stressing it probably is to be in your current condition.