'AITA for only paying for my pregnant sister's meals when I can verify them?'
"AITA for only paying for my pregnant sister's meals when I can verify them?"
My (30f) sister (24f) became pregnant with her first child this year. I'm very excited to be an aunt, but I have had to balance that excitement with difficult emotional choices about how much financial support to offer. My sister has lead a chaotic life in her teens to now, and frequently changes friends, where she lives, her phone number, etc.
While I would love to be close to her, it can feel like walking into a hurricane. Now that she is pregnant without much income, I feel very guilty to turn down her frequent requests for money. However, when I do give her money, I try to go about it in a way where I can tell that the money is going to food and not something else.
My sister doesn't do d#$gs, but the father of her child and on-off boyfriend has served time for federal d#$g charges for using and selling c#$aine and her#$n/fent@nyl. I worry that the money I give her may end up going to something completely unintentional on my part due to his influence.
Typically, when she asks for money, (often to order food) I ask if I can put the order in through the restaurant myself or see the DoorDash order. Usually this results in her asking other people for money instead.
Am I being too hard on her during a rough period in her life? I want to support her, but not in a way that could hurt her later. Has anyone experienced something similar? Edit: Yes, I have seen her ultrasounds/know she is really pregnant.
The internet did not hold back one bit.
CestLaquoidarling wrote:
NTA. Given her past and present offering food or items for the baby rather than cash makes sense. Especially since she turns to others for the same ‘food’ you would provide with proof. Perhaps dropping off groceries or having them delivered could be a way to offer support without the rigmarole of needing to view receipts.
Lumi1992 wrote:
NTA this is genius. You could put some of the money away every time you would have bought her something and save it for the kid (if you’d like to, those small generosities probably amount to a nice sum over the years)
You see how much you „saved“
You see how much you were willing to give without getting anything in return
The kid will be very happy (I’d probably only give it to him/her in phases some with 16/18/22/25)
BlondDee1970 wrote:
NTA. She's pregnant and you're trying to ensure the funds you give her go to food. If she has a problem with that and asks someone else for cash...she probably isn't buying food.
MammothMilk1119 wrote:
NTA at all. I've also borrowed money here and there from my sister (usually only on the day before I get paid when I'm running low so I can pay her back immediately the day after) and I smoke cigarettes so from time to time she'll ask what the money is for because we're both adults and she doesn't want to subsidize my bad habits which I totally understand.
So either I'll just tell her what I was going to get and she'll order it to my place, or she'll send me the money, I order, and then I send screenshots back of the order summary.
If she was truly asking for money to use the way she says it is, she'd have no problem doing either of those things. The fact that she changes her mind and chooses to ask someone else means that's not what she wants it for.
Fine-Bumblebee-9427 wrote:
No, but for your own peace, I would come up with a system, communicate it, and stick to it. I have kids that struggle with money. I give what I can and how I can in ways that won’t make me resentful.
That can mean having a budget and communicating it (“sure, I can grab that meal, there’s some money left in my assistance budget”), or only paying directly (“I’m not willing to send money for diapers, but I’m happy to put in an order at Walmart”).
My kids know that they have to put me on the phone at the pharmacy to pay directly for prescriptions. And to be clear, we didn’t start here, but you give medication money the same week a $2000 dog is purchased, you start to come up with boundaries.
Just make it clear you will DoorDash food to her when you can, but you won’t send money. Then don’t feel bad if she doesn’t take you up on it, and don’t engage with any guilt. “Ok, well, sounds like you don’t want me to send food tonight. Talk to you tomorrow!” And as always, grey rock is your friend. Just be super boring when topics you don’t want to discuss come up.
JEMS1971 wrote:
NTA: I have 2 of my brothers and my husband has a sister all troubled youth into troubled adults with lots of poor choices, unwise decisions, and bad behaviors. It's a lot on the "normal" or "non problematic " siblings.
We can't take on others problems and feel badly when they keep having the same issues for years. Support, love, but sometimes from afar or like you said, you and the baby need food I can door dash it, need diapers, instacart, etc.
MistySky1999 wrote:
A friend had this issue. She paid for a gift card at the grocery store nearest her relative which the relative could pick up at the service desk, but not redeem for cash. Relative was very ungrateful , but my friend knew her money wasn't going to d#$gs. NTA.
Ja-Kathra wrote:
I wouldn't trust your sister as far as I could throw her. I would NEVER give her money directly for *anything*. Keep doing the right thing by you and her and when she asks for money offer the item needed instead. If she gets money from somewhere else, she is lying to you about what she needs.
My guess is its the sperm donor who is manipulating her into getting money for his d#$gs.
Edit to add: I've experienced this exact situation. Don't let her use you.