'My BF has a close female friend who blatantly dislikes me. How do I confront my BF?' MAJOR UPDATE

"My boyfriend (30M) has a close female friend (34F) who blatantly dislikes me (29F) and makes no secret of it. I've reached a stage where it's her or me - how can I confront my BF?"

I don't know if I'm being wildly unreasonable and jealous over this, so I need some outside opinions. I (29F) have been with my bf (30M) for three years, and we share an apartment. He has a female friend "Nell" (34F) and they were friends for years before I came along.

I had no issue with their closeness - I have male friends and knew I'd be a hypocrite to leap to judgements, but at this point I feel I'm justified in thinking the way I do about her. The first time I met her, it was extremely obvious Nell didn't like me.

She came into the bar all excited to see my bf, before noticing me. Her entire demeanor changed - she shook my hand and dug her nails into my skin, before ignoring me the rest of the night. She even seemed upset at one point that I took the seat beside my bf, and quietly left halfway through the evening without saying goodbye.

So it's safe to say my first impression of her wasn't good, but I tried to reason with myself that not everyone gets along, and I don't need to be friends with my bf's friends. However, as time passed it became really clear Nell's attitude towards me wasn't improving. She had a way of openly mocking me in front of groups of people, making side comments or loudly joking about my voice or appearance.

My bf would stand there and say nothing, and after the fact when I asked him about it, he'd say he hadn't noticed. She'd also make a show of hugging him hello and goodbye and not me. She would mix that kind of stuff in with smiles and basic politeness so it was tough to articulate exactly what she'd done - I felt very much like I was back in high school.

From that point on, I basically decided I didn't need to have someone like that in my life, so just stopped going to things she was at. I haven't seen her in about a year. My bf still sees her regularly and they text often. I'm now at the stage where I fully believe they've either dated in the past, or have something going on now.

I've tried gently bringing this up, but he denies they ever dated and makes me feel like I'm being jealous and bitter by asking. I end up suppressing those feelings, before something brings them up again. I've reached the end of my tether with it. The final straw for me came the other day, when my bf left his phone open and I saw a text exchange between the two.

Nell had sent him a heart emoji, and my bf had written something about how he was thinking of her. I know I should have said something then and there, but I felt numb and decided to go to bed. I'm trying to work out how to handle this. Is it possible nothing's going on here? It's something I've tried arguing in my head, but then something else pops up that makes me doubt it.

Maybe friends do just send hearts, and I'm making this up because I don't care for Nell? I don't want that to be the case. I'm basically at a point where I feel he either has to tell me the truth and restrict contact with Nell, or else I don't feel like I can maintain the relationship. I feel constantly disrespected, and I want something to change but don't know how to go about it. Any advice would be so welcomed.

TL;DR: My bf's female friend dislikes me and I suspect their closeness might indicate something more than that. How do I tell my bf it's either her or me?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Chonkosaurusrex wrote:

To be honest, I don't think there is a point in giving him an ultimatum, as I don't think he would choose you. Or if he did, he would resent you for it and make you feel even more crazy. He never "notice" how Nell treats you, and never calls her out on it. When you point it out, he makes you feel like you're jealous and crazy, instead of working with you and implementing healthy boundaries.

You have to repress your feelings about their relationship, because of how he makes you feel whenever you try to bring it up. That is not a partner that will choose you, because he never has. He chooses Nell. Whenever Nell hurt your feelings, he chose to endorse her actions by not standing up for you.

Whenever you point something out, he chose to protect Nell and make you feel like you were jealous and bitter. He has always been in her corner, endorsing and enforcing her actions, even when she is hurting your feelings. I would personally skip the ultimatum and just leave.

[deleted] wrote:

This, all of it. OP it is best to start making an exit strategy, and looking for a way to get out. Find a new place to live, and move out, and break up. He will never choose you. He has shown you constantly who he chooses. Any man who allows someone to treat their partner like that and then gaslights their partner isn't a man worth having.

Also go with your gut it is never wrong. If it is telling you that there is something going on believe it. Don't confront him, just leave, save yourself the gaslighting and excuses and argue and leave while he is out somewhere or at work. Block him and her and then leave a note stating that now he is free to be with the woman he really wants to be with.

OP responded:

I'm sad, but I agree with this take. I doubt anything is going to change.

Flynn_JM wrote:

Fine they haven't dated. But have they hooked up?

OP responded:

That's what I wonder. I am aware they used to go out for drinks, just the two of them, before I was in the picture. I know that isn't immediately indicative of them hooking up, but my bf ended up taking me to a bar he'd gone to with Nell, and it was...romantic?

Fancy with dim lights and stuff, not a casual bar. You know the more I articulate this rather than keep it bottled up, the more I think I've been stupid in not seeing it sooner.

Five days later, OP shared an update.

First, I'd like to sincerely thank everyone for the kind comments - I didn't expect so many responses and I appreciate them all. I wanted to provide everyone with an update, because a lot has happened. A few days ago, after a lot of tearful soul searching, I decided the best thing for me would be to walk away from the relationship.

I sat my bf down and talked to him about it - I explained that I always felt like the third wheel in my own relationship, and that for my own happiness, I didn't want to be in a relationship that made me feel that way anymore. I gave examples to him that I did in my original post, such as his lack of boundaries with Nell, and his disinterest in standing up for me whenever she mocked me.

I also said my trust in him had been eroded to the point where I felt unsure of what I really was to him. I told him I still cared about him and wanted him to be happy, but that I wanted to be happy too. My bf sat silently for a while, before asking "so...you're jealous of Nell?"

I felt like he'd barely processed anything I'd just said, and when I tried clarifying, he got defensive and told me he was allowed female friends. I could tell he wanted to turn it into an argument, and since my mind was already made up and I'd said what I wanted, I ended the conversation and he played a computer game and acted like I wasn't there as I packed my things and left.

I've been staying with my best friend, who is amazing and always so supportive. We're actually looking into sharing a place officially. I burst into tears on her doorstep and we hugged it out, before having a movie night with a pizza and some wine. It felt really therapeutic, like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

My family have been amazing too - rallying round and taking me out for little meals and stuff. I even got one or two sweet messages from my bf's friends, saying they were sorry and that they fully understood my point of view (which is interesting!).

I imagined that would be the end of it, but the next morning I woke up to messages from a number I didn't know. It was Nell. I honestly didn't think she'd contact me, so to see walls and walls of text in my inbox was a shock. Let me run down some of the things she said - she repeatedly insisted that she never "b#$lied me", and said she had "no idea where that came from."

She said I'd always seemed cold towards her, so tried to make little jokes to break the ice (openly mocking someone is an interesting method, but I digress). Lastly, she told me I was making things up by suggesting she ever had a thing with my ex - they were just friends. She finished with a passive aggressive apology that I'd ruined my own relationship by being jealous and listening to "voices in my head."

I didn't respond to her venom or try to get the last word - I know she wanted to repeat her tried and true method of hitting out at me and enjoying my reaction, so I didn't give her one. I've been focusing on other things to start building my self-esteem and happiness back.

My ex has not tried to contact me since I left and I'm glad. Frankly I think him and Nell are perfect for each other. I'm well and truly done with this, and I'm so excited for new things in my life. My friend and I are making arrangements to officially have a place together, and I actually got promoted at work today! I feel like it was a little hug from the universe.

In all, things are looking bright. So to end things, I want to thank everyone again for the messages. I think hearing your opinions, as well as getting all my thoughts out in a post are what really opened my eyes and allowed me to leave. I finally feel I'm making myself the priority - feels pretty great!

The internet was glad to hear an update.

Mis-Behavin-SB wrote:

You did the right thing by not responding to her. It was rather creeper move for him to give her your phone number to message in the first place.

Go out and do the things that make you happy.

OP responded:

Yeah, the only way she would have got it is through him. My best friend even suggested they probably wrote those texts together. I feel like they both just wanted to turn it into a big argument and play the victim, so I'm glad I didn't pursue that with them. I don't care and just want to be happy. Thank you!

Top_Put1451 wrote:

Literally the best thing you could do was let her twist in the wind after those texts, and you did it. Good for you. Those two deserve nothing from you.

OP responded:

Thank you. Yep, I imagine her reeling that she didn't get a single word in response to her mountains of text.

cgannet wrote:

I can't believe his only response was “so you're jealous of Nell”

Tells you everything you needed to know by the way he reacted in that conversation.

OP responded:

That's so true. He proved my point without even realising it.