'AITA for inviting my dad's girlfriend over my real mom to spend the day with me?' UPDATED

"AITA for inviting my dad's girlfriend over my real mom to spend the day with me?"

My (17F) parents got divorced 6 years ago. My mom quickly remarried and my dad has been seeing his new girlfriend for nearly 2 years now. I now live at mom's house for two weeks, then switch over to dad's house for the next two weeks. My relationship with my mom has always been difficult.

I always felt like my mom wished for a more 'girly' daughter, so we could do classical mother-daughter activities together but I'm simply not that person my mom wants me to be. I've always been more 'tomboyish' and been into sports, especially tennis since was a little girl, something my mom never truly understood or made an effort to be interested in.

As a result my mom and I never had the close mother-daughter relationship I feel like my mom wished for us to have. Now my relationship with my dad has been the polar opposite. My dad and I always got along great and I have always been a 'daddy's girl.'

But when my dad introduced me to his new girlfriend Julia, I instantly disliked her. My younger me thought she was stealing my dad from me. Her being relatively young (27 when they began dating), and a - how I unfairly stereotyped her at first - 'vapid pretty girl' certainly didn't make me like her either. But my younger me misjudged her, and she's honestly pretty great.

She always supported me, showed in interest in my passions, showed up to my tennis matches - something my mom didn't bother to do - and has been a great person all around. I'm now ashamed to admit this but I didn't recognize this until ~3 months ago and have been acting pretty horrible towards her before that.

The problem: Second last weekend I had a tennis tournament where I got second place. For the second place, I won a spa day for me and a guest. I decided to invite Julia (my dad's gf) to thank her for supporting me and for dealing with my horrible behavior.

You don't believe how happy she was when I invited her. But when I returned to my mom's place on Sunday evening my mom kind of assumed I would invite her as my guest for the spa day. She seemed to really look forward to it.

When I awkwardly told her that I already invited Julia she was disappointed and sad. Since then, she has acted downcast and moody, and we haven't really talked. I tried to explain the situation to her, but she won't listen. Now I feel horrible. I feel like really hurt my mom and I feel like I chose Julia over her. AITA for inviting my dad's gf over my mom to spend the day with me?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

WritPositWrit wrote:

NAH but I can definitely see how this would have hurt your mother. You say she likes girly things and here’s a girly thing but you didn’t want to share it with her.

Sit down with your mom, tell her you noticed she’s hurt and you did not intend that, you feel awful, and explain that you invited Julia as an apology of sorts to make up for being so awful to her for so long. Then let your mom know that you would really love to have a special mother-daughter spa day just with her.

OP responded:

I didn't think of it that way but you're right. To my mom it probably feels like Julia and I 'robbed' her of the exactly the type of mother-daughter experience she always wanted.

ju4791 wrote:

INFO Did your mom come watch your at the tournament? Or did she just hear about your prize and expect to benefit from it even though she wasn't even there?

OP responded:

My mom didn't come to watch me play.

nblackhand wrote:

Wait, how did your mom know about this to be making assumptions about it before you said anything? You said she didn't go to your matches, wouldn't she have needed to be there to hear the announcement?

OP responded:

My dad texted her and told her I got second place and won a spa day for two people. He didn't know at that point in time that I was planning on inviting Julia.

Two weeks later, OP shared an update.

First of all, I would like to thank everyone for taking the time to read and reply to my post. I have read every response and I appreciate all the input. I have been putting off talking to my mom until Sunday a week ago when I finally found a good opportunity to talk to her.

I told my mom that I love her, that I didn't intend to hurt her by inviting Julia, and that I feel terrible for hurting her. I also explained to her why I invited Julia - this time she seemed to listen - and reassured her that me inviting Julia doesn't mean we can't have our own spa day or that I chose Julia over her because she is still my mom and I'll always love her.

Then I showed her the websites of some spa places I had looked up beforehand and offered to pay for part of the costs. I know some people advised me against it but I think it's a small but important gesture to show my mom how much she means to me. My mom seemed really excited to go to one of them with me and said I wouldn't have to pay a cent.

Then came the hard part for me. I told my mom that I feel like she never supported me in my interests and it hurts me that she can't even be bothered to show up to my tennis matches. I also expressed my feelings that I always felt like she wished for a more 'girly' daughter and how this hurt me. At first, my mom got pretty defensive.

She tried to deny it, but I was adamant and in the end, when she saw how important this was for me, she apologized and promised to improve. Later at dinner, my mom asked me if I would like to go to a nearby climbing park with her and my step-dad in the future. I instantly agreed and was so happy, because going to a climbing park isn't something my mom would normally suggest.

I feel like it means she genuinely listened to me and tries to truly improve our relationship. It has been a week now since I talked to my mom, and I'm in good spirits as I hope our relationship will improve. I'm also hopeful we find our own mother-daughter thing in the future. Thanks again internet for your input.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Tinaburgerpants wrote:

This is great to hear. I missed your original post so went back. I, too, unintentionally hurt my mother post-divorce. When the Court asked who we wanted to live with full-time, I chose to live with my dad. I'm the oldest and my other 3 siblings chose my mom.

I 100% was selfish about it - it was my senior year of high school and my best friend lived closer to where my dad was going to end up. She had a car and was my ride to and from school every day. I didn't realize until a few years later how much that crushed my mom. We talked about it and I had to admit I was the AH during that time.

She also then understood why I did that. I couldn't apologize enough. Teenagers don't really think things through and although I feel like I was a relatively tame teenager, I could hurt people without realizing it. It is also funny to think about since I do not even really like my dad and am not close to him.

Xhalala wrote:

You seem like a pretty awesome person, and I’m so glad you were able to not only repair your relationship with you dad’s girlfriend (who also sounds pretty great), but to communicate with your mom and make real progress toward improving that relationship as well! Compassion and healthy communication. What a combo! :]

fourtimeschanged wrote:

Kudos for you. This really show your maturity and willingness to show your vulnerability. I hope this newfound closeness will open up more conversation and understanding!

nonanonaye wrote:

"I feel like it means she genuinely listened to me and tries to truly improve our relationship."

It really sounds like it! Seems your mum is showing you she meant her apology. She made a promise to try, and now is acting on that promise. Good on you for approaching her, and even having a suggestion ready, and standing firm.

It's natural she got defensive at first, but her dropping it not only shows she acknowledged this was important to you, but showed a part of her humility. She realized she had done something wrong, and then her words (and later actions) that followed reflect on how she does want to work on your relationship.

Her relationship with her daughter is more important than her being right, or sticking to any "image". Which is such a nice break to read compared to what's normally around reddit with parental relationships. Healthy communication for the win people!