'AITA for causing my MIL not to come to my husband's birthday because she overstepped?'

"AITA for causing my MIL not to come to my husband's birthday?"

My husband's 29th birthday was last week. Three weeks prior, I told him I planned a lobster buffet for him with our 2-year-old. He was super stoked because he mentioned several times in the past that he'd never had lobster.

I told him to tell me if he had something else in mine, but he loved my idea, so I booked the dinner, a $120/€100 reservation, plus similar-priced gifts, totaling about $240/€200 (a significant amount where I'm from).

A week before, his mother texted, requesting an invitation. My husband said absolutely not and said he's tired of constantly footing the bill for his family's celebrations. He usually provides food and gifts for others' birthdays and resents that he's not getting the same treatment for his birthday.

Since the buffet was dinner, I considered inviting his mother to lunch. He's annoyed by his family's expectations but I know he loves his mom very much and that he'd still love to spend his birthday with her. Crux is his mother also celebrated her birthday earlier in the month.

My husband gave her travel money, and I gave her $100/€85 spending money. While away, she requested some additional cash which I happily gave. Since then, I'd been transparent about my husband's birthday expenses, telling her my limited remaining budget so I mentioned that if she wanted to come, she should come alone due to financial constraints.

She agreed. The night before, she suddenly said she'd be bringing her mother and my husband's younger brother. I reiterated our budget limitations, but she insisted they wouldn't eat much. I said I literally did not have any money to host more people and my husband was unwilling to pay for them.

Bringing two additional persons meant compromising our grocery budget for the rest of the week. I eventually conceded but felt very disrespected. I didn't tell my husband but I felt so bad that I confided in my SIL, who then told my older BIL. He ended up lecturing my MIL, then she texted, "Yeah, let's probably just meet next time," and has since ignored me. I now feel terrible.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Anxious-Routine-5526 wrote:

Why aren't you letting your husband handle his own mother? You jumping in the middle of things and trying to play "nice" is what's caused the whole situation. Your husband's tired of going above and beyond for his family's celebrations and getting nothing, including appreciation in return.

You taking him out to celebrate was all he wanted, needed, and was very appreciated. Anyway, you didn't cause your MIL not to attend. Her not wanting to spend her own money instead of yours or your husband's is why she bailed. Take the win and enjoy the celebration how it was originally planned.

OP responded:

Thank you. I should've listened to him, tbh. Silly surprises sometimes do more harm than good.

Horaceordoris wrote:

YTA. He said he didn’t want her there, but you’re STILL all pikachu surprised faced that she did precisely what he said would happen.

Grow a shiny new spine, don’t give in to manipulation and remind her that NO is a complete sentence!

Maximum-Ear1745 wrote:

ESH. Why weren’t you clear? The answer is no. Don’t give a lukewarm answer. Don’t sacrifice your household budget. The answer is no - we cannot afford to accommodate any guests. You I’ll create family drama if you then complain to MIL’s kids that you’ve been steamrolled. MIL is an AH for trying to encroach on a planned event.

Kaite8 wrote:

NTA. I actually applaud you for trying to manage the situation for your husband especially since it’s his birthday and that’s good support. Honestly to manage this situation in the future I would lessen the support your family gives to his mother and individuals like her on their birthdays.

You give what you wish to receive but there’s a fine line between that and being taken advantage of. If anyone should feel disrespected then it is you and your husband for not being shown the same unwavering support you have been giving others.

Also perhaps the birthday dinner is always reserved for just you, your husband, and child. And then if others would like to celebrate your husband they can take him out to lunch or breakfast individually or heck even throw him a bbq or something at their place. Focus the holiday on the person being celebrated (in this case your husband). NTA at all.

wowbowbow wrote:

NTA - she literally invited herself against your husband's wishes, then invited other people to be paid for by you, again against the birthday persons wishes? You very clearly said no and she persisted till she got her way despite your answer, that's an AH move every time.

If she was that pressed to come/on bringing others she could offer to foot the bill - but she didn’t. That is her problem, not yours. The common adage here is to "host the party you can afford" - you did that, it's not on you to be open to paying for people you didn't even invite.

nitro1432 wrote:

NTA - DO NOT feel bad your husband is the one that said no and they reach out to you because they know you will lay down and let them roll right over you, time to grow a shiny new spine and quit being their doormat.

healingadept wrote:

NTA. She was freeloading and bringing the village to freeload on lobster. Why can't it be a private nuclear family celebration? They can come for the salad buffet the day/weekend after the nuclear family celebration if they want to, and on their own dime - pay their way and accommodation themselves.

Mermaidtoo wrote:

Your MIL brought this on herself. She’s expecting you & your husband to pay for her (and whoever she picks) when that’s not within your budget. If your husband is able to keep her in line, then let him handle her going forward.

Saying “no” to your MIL when she has unrealistic expectations doesn’t mean that you can’t care for her in other ways. Based on your BIL and SIL coming to your rescue, they’ve likely dealt with her entitled behavior too. You and your husband may consider following their lead in how they handle her expectations.